Let’s explore it more. Let me tell you about my week. (mid-April)
I have had ups and downs. Ups that made me fall endlessly in love, or so I think, to someone I know will not love me back or will not correspond to me. I don’t know how I know this; this is maybe my negative self being negative. Let me tell you about my negative self. It gets in the way of any sliver of happiness I get to recognize. Once recognized, boom. Gone. I have to force myself at times to stay positive and that negativity is the devil. But the devil this week had me, it stared at me in the eyes, it went into my thoughts and held me like a baby. It was warm, but I knew I felt fear. I napped, I cried, I even wanted to pray, which I haven’t in so long, I even asked people to pray for me. What is happening to me? It was a constant push pull of good and evil. I kissed two people this week. One person I kissed; I really am ‘in love’ with his brother. So why the fuckkkk- I know. I ask myself the same pressing question. I then, see them both the same day and my emotions explode. In many ways, I was honest, and my heart chakra was doing the painful job for me. I don’t remember a word I said, but I do remember saying something like, “we shouldn’t have done this”.. I didn’t care about the crowd, I was waiting for you, I filled with love, when I saw his deep black eyes, I missed them. I also, felt you knew. My hurt sunk so deep I couldn’t escape. It didn’t want to. I gravitate to you; those eyes and your energy hypnotizes me. He is soft, warm and I feel like he has endless wonders to him. I nod like I’m listening, but I am not, really, but do clearly hear what he is saying. I said things like, “I find you so interesting” as you expressed yourself and the way you move through life. We can speak about anything, then, your endearing little laugh is what I can hear over and over again, although I wasn’t looking at you, I was able to see you. It plays over and over, it’s been my favorite tune I play when I wake till, I wake again. Then, again. I realize that we cannot be together. I once again profess my love hinting as I apologize for hurting you as you let me know as soon as the opportunity present itself, but it hurt me too. I don’t know why I buried my own corpse. Then… nothing happened. A joke happened. A joke that was not funny, but I pretended to laugh because “it’s only awkward, if you make it awkward”. These awkward situations have been following me all week as I knowingly ask someone to go on a date with me after clearly knowing he just wants a piece of my ass. Then he could of course, just toss me. I guess I like to be tossed around now. Knowing that, as he cooks with his shirt off, I might as well stay and enjoy the view, he says, “You look at me like I’m a piece of meat” as I slowly downwardly undress him with my eyes but know I was not down to fuck. I say, “You are a piece of meat”, with little to no emotion. That is how rad it got. But because he lied, his intentions crawled out of his mouth as his kisses had no sweet substance to sustain the spiders. But he tried and tried to kiss me till I would bend my values, boundaries and emotions, I was so close… until… I go to the bathroom and there is a fresh condom wrapper. I felt a sense of deep disgustment at the pit of my stomach as I was contemplating giving my beautiful self to someone I see as a pork loin. Clearly, that morning I had asked the universe to give me clear signs and messages from now on because I’ve been so damn confused with everything, everyone and myself. I’ve been silently crying myself to bed. Nothing new. This habit of mine takes me back to each night, at each stage and for each situation, it feels like an endless adventure that later puts you to sleep. I’ve been contemplating ending it all, but I know I shouldn’t, I couldn’t. I cannot bare my family the pain, although people are leaving which I thought would forever stay, I cannot vanish without discovering my life purpose and doing it. My life purpose is not to cause eternal despair, hate, sadness or confusion. Each day, I wear a red or pink smile, I dry my tears before they even roll down the mask. Today, Monday, I thought of silver linings as my nephew looked straight into my eyes, clinged to my leg and kissed me. It was the most profound kiss I have ever received. We exchanged an, “I love you” with our eyes. His kiss and search for my warmth in a hug and touch, made me realize, I do have a purpose, I do not know it yet, but it’s near. I do know that, I want more moments like this, with him, with more people and I wonder if I could ever look at myself with the same tenderness and kindness. If I could replenish my starvation for my own warmth, touch and love. Then, I wouldn’t need to be kissing men’s lips that taste like acetone or like nothing.. I have no words for nothing. That moment though, was a reminder that, I cannot leave. I try to guide him and teach him the beauties and wonders of life, but little did I know, a 5 year old, thought me it with a simple glare, in moments where I was not living presently, feeling the most hopeless and unwanted, that life is waiting for me to live it. What can children teach us about life? Think about it and how they feel, live and move through life. Humans that are adults, hurt us, I shy away, we hurt unintentionally or intentionally and some state with honesty saying they’re looking for something casual but you thought their kisses were from the core depths of passion. Fuck that. They were from their core depths of simple pleasure and orgasmic pulse till you feel empty some more. I shouldn’t be mad, we are all in different levels in life. We encounter these people for me to write about it, to learn from it and to know how to slap somebody. Although there are moments like this that break every single fact of accomplishments or hope, we have silver linings. Different shades of gray that allow us to see light through the darkness. A light that signifies hope, love and peace. I think to myself, how are things falling apart but falling together? I would normally try to find something to explain this in a poetic and analytical way to paint a picture for you, but it’s life, only life is like this.
Also, I threw away my bag where I kept my pipe, grinder and weed. I made a commitment with a friend I didn’t mean to kiss. This new phase, these new days, I hope are promising, nurturing and healing. I’m taking steps back and forward but at least I’m moving. Moving will get me somewhere. My positivity is my savior, it guides me, it helps me face challenges and encourages me to push. Thank you.
I also plunged into an ice bath twice after being in a sauna and a hot tub. I told myself I wanted to do it, that I could do it. So, I did it. I felt alive, refreshed and mentally invincible. I strive for moments like those, where your body just feels one thing at its full intensity but so many intensities at the time. I came to the library to do homework, but I spent 2 hours typing this, but I’m feeling good, after I had self-regulated my depression in a 20-minute nap. I think unknowingly, our bodies, minds and souls gravitate to what is good for us, sometimes behind the scenes. I hope school makes me happy again and my job, but for now, I will live the moment, in this chair at the library, with my headphones in, and knowing that there are more silver linings to my dark pit of shadowy emotions and moments… and I’m okay with that, just be gentle.