Love language translated

I see my life pass and my bones getting weaker, they’ve been sustaining the memories of you, of my moments of laughter and friendly encounters.

I am weak. I want you. I crave you. come to me.

The love for me will sing to my ear even when they can’t make a single pretty pitch. They will dance with me, even if they can’t dance to blues. They will know how to calm their own demons, and tell me how, for me to help, for they to help me. It will be transformative, rejuvenating and flowing through us, each hair fiber, nail cuticle, and tastebud. It wants to caress you, take care of you and savor you. you made me so happy the day we met, what was that power? It took a hold of my systems, they fired, pumped and electrified stronger and faster than my body could have told it to.

I’ve been listening to love songs all day, trying to not lose the memory of you, of us. I want to hold you close, even in the sense of sound and warm music with soulful feelings that will rush through and out of you.

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Screaming on a Ferris wheel

With the silence of your words, I hear shouts and whispers. Whispers I cannot distinguish because they either come from the fundamental depths of malicious intentions or because they come from a boy who has been hurt but continues to believe, be brave and try once again. “Maybe this time I have found someone I could trust, tell my stories to and share my banana split with?”, I wonder the same. We dazzled in the bar, our bodies and lips seem to fit well together, your eyes took me somewhere adventurous. I don’t know the location. This own destination where we can create our own amusement park with high highs and low lows. With smooth glides but rough and sudden turns. Can we possibly decide the intensity? Or shall we be surprised in the potential of emotions the signature rollercoaster might have? Want to join me?

I always wonder what the purpose of meeting people is, can somebody tell me? Why do we have to try everything to know how it’s going to be? Why can’t we have an abstract of how this longitudinal study will play out. Will it be significant? I type you this poem as I should be studying for a research-class. I could do both.

Your touch took me somewhere I have been before, but I wanted more, I wanted to remember, reignite, refire my synapsis and rediscover my senses.

Screams feel like the screams my destructive self feels. I need to take a step back. I need to remember who I am and how human conditions develop over time, with honesty, openness and trust. I hope to have found a good hidden, mysterious one in the comfort and warmth of your arms. You hold me like you have been wanting to hold me for years now, you look at me like if I am a once a year funnel cake. It scares me. Scares me to think, deep fucking emotions live in someone else, but individualized, unique and perhaps more profound, what is the measure? The universe has a funny way, we are double blinded in this connection. I like this treatment; I want to continue being exposed. To you. To this. Whatever this is. But it is working, I suggest results might be significant, but my hopeless romantic heart is only bias. Bias to warm touches, deep glares, and smiles. I am bias because I seek these experiences but in other trails, but end up being a control, a status quo, just another participant that was randomly selected.

Who are you?

Why is your touch so soft but chained to a metal bed frame, where you might have been hurt by numerous souls that told you they’ll forever love you.

Why do you accept my touch, but to an extent?

What is your story?

How did you end up where I met you?

Tell me each day, each success, each tear. Let me listen, smile and cry.

Tell me why you are so busy? Why can’t you stop? What are you running from or to?

Tell me how my eyes landed on yours, and how they make you feel? Tell me if you noticed my heart pump out of my chest the moment I first saw your essence?

How I searched, purposefully seeked and found you. What was your role?

I endlessly want to trace your nose, your lips and feel your eyes with my fingertips.

There’s an endless drive towards the unspoken but felt, I want to express tender touch, how it calms our systems and how victorious it makes the vulnerable feel. I want to write it, experience it and provoke thought and sense it. It is alive in us, storing as memories and as emotions we build on and transform.

Our Residence

Love Letters:

I trace my composed body with my crafting fingers, I envision your legs instead of mine. I envision your curvy nose with a perfectly angled bridge that I trace with such delicacy and softness as your hairs fit perfectly between my human prints. They trace the beautiful contents of where your voice projects in detail that I’m beautiful. The place where the corners curl and a familiar smile takes me to a place I’ve somehow known as home. In this home, live those kisses that are a connection and invitation to further explore the rooms. Some doors are open, some doors are shut, different ecosystems and temperaments greet as I come. You’re an endless wonder.

You’ve picked me, just as how you pick a dandelion from the earth ground. As the dandelion holds such responsibility of a wish, your heart holds my wish to forever pick you and reside in the fireplace of your flaming chest, to forever be thought of when you make your tea in the mornings. The unique composition of tunes, voices and ups and downs in your system are a ride I want to infinitely experience front seat. I want those ups and downs; I want to continue meeting you each day in the same room but different bed and different wrinkles.

I want to be a permanent visitor in your beautiful well-crafted residence. I want to share your essence and how you experience touch, scents, sounds, the taste of your lips as salty tears roll as we’ll witness something during our down time, but that might just be our up time. The time where all our walls and doors with locks are 6 feet deep in the coffin of past lovers, past traumas, and fears, the moment where all our bodies systems vibrate the same waves, beat and pulse with endless source, that will be working in symphony to create a beautiful composition.

Welcome in, you’re invited to stay.

Silver linings to disasters

Let’s explore it more. Let me tell you about my week. (mid-April)

I have had ups and downs. Ups that made me fall endlessly in love, or so I think, to someone I know will not love me back or will not correspond to me. I don’t know how I know this; this is maybe my negative self being negative. Let me tell you about my negative self. It gets in the way of any sliver of happiness I get to recognize. Once recognized, boom. Gone. I have to force myself at times to stay positive and that negativity is the devil. But the devil this week had me, it stared at me in the eyes, it went into my thoughts and held me like a baby. It was warm, but I knew I felt fear. I napped, I cried, I even wanted to pray, which I haven’t in so long, I even asked people to pray for me. What is happening to me? It was a constant push pull of good and evil. I kissed two people this week. One person I kissed; I really am ‘in love’ with his brother. So why the fuckkkk- I know. I ask myself the same pressing question. I then, see them both the same day and my emotions explode. In many ways, I was honest, and my heart chakra was doing the painful job for me. I don’t remember a word I said, but I do remember saying something like, “we shouldn’t have done this”.. I didn’t care about the crowd, I was waiting for you, I filled with love, when I saw his deep black eyes, I missed them. I also, felt you knew. My hurt sunk so deep I couldn’t escape. It didn’t want to. I gravitate to you; those eyes and your energy hypnotizes me. He is soft, warm and I feel like he has endless wonders to him. I nod like I’m listening, but I am not, really, but do clearly hear what he is saying. I said things like, “I find you so interesting” as you expressed yourself and the way you move through life. We can speak about anything, then, your endearing little laugh is what I can hear over and over again, although I wasn’t looking at you, I was able to see you. It plays over and over, it’s been my favorite tune I play when I wake till, I wake again. Then, again. I realize that we cannot be together. I once again profess my love hinting as I apologize for hurting you as you let me know as soon as the opportunity present itself, but it hurt me too. I don’t know why I buried my own corpse. Then… nothing happened. A joke happened. A joke that was not funny, but I pretended to laugh because “it’s only awkward, if you make it awkward”. These awkward situations have been following me all week as I knowingly ask someone to go on a date with me after clearly knowing he just wants a piece of my ass. Then he could of course, just toss me. I guess I like to be tossed around now. Knowing that, as he cooks with his shirt off, I might as well stay and enjoy the view, he says, “You look at me like I’m a piece of meat” as I slowly downwardly undress him with my eyes but know I was not down to fuck. I say, “You are a piece of meat”, with little to no emotion. That is how rad it got. But because he lied, his intentions crawled out of his mouth as his kisses had no sweet substance to sustain the spiders. But he tried and tried to kiss me till I would bend my values, boundaries and emotions, I was so close… until… I go to the bathroom and there is a fresh condom wrapper. I felt a sense of deep disgustment at the pit of my stomach as I was contemplating giving my beautiful self to someone I see as a pork loin. Clearly, that morning I had asked the universe to give me clear signs and messages from now on because I’ve been so damn confused with everything, everyone and myself. I’ve been silently crying myself to bed. Nothing new. This habit of mine takes me back to each night, at each stage and for each situation, it feels like an endless adventure that later puts you to sleep. I’ve been contemplating ending it all, but I know I shouldn’t, I couldn’t. I cannot bare my family the pain, although people are leaving which I thought would forever stay, I cannot vanish without discovering my life purpose and doing it. My life purpose is not to cause eternal despair, hate, sadness or confusion. Each day, I wear a red or pink smile, I dry my tears before they even roll down the mask. Today, Monday, I thought of silver linings as my nephew looked straight into my eyes, clinged to my leg and kissed me. It was the most profound kiss I have ever received. We exchanged an, “I love you” with our eyes. His kiss and search for my warmth in a hug and touch, made me realize, I do have a purpose, I do not know it yet, but it’s near. I do know that, I want more moments like this, with him, with more people and I wonder if I could ever look at myself with the same tenderness and kindness. If I could replenish my starvation for my own warmth, touch and love. Then, I wouldn’t need to be kissing men’s lips that taste like acetone or like nothing.. I have no words for nothing. That moment though, was a reminder that, I cannot leave. I try to guide him and teach him the beauties and wonders of life, but little did I know, a 5 year old, thought me it with a simple glare, in moments where I was not living presently, feeling the most hopeless and unwanted, that life is waiting for me to live it. What can children teach us about life? Think about it and how they feel, live and move through life. Humans that are adults, hurt us, I shy away, we hurt unintentionally or intentionally and some state with honesty saying they’re looking for something casual but you thought their kisses were from the core depths of passion. Fuck that. They were from their core depths of simple pleasure and orgasmic pulse till you feel empty some more. I shouldn’t be mad, we are all in different levels in life. We encounter these people for me to write about it, to learn from it and to know how to slap somebody. Although there are moments like this that break every single fact of accomplishments or hope, we have silver linings. Different shades of gray that allow us to see light through the darkness. A light that signifies hope, love and peace. I think to myself, how are things falling apart but falling together? I would normally try to find something to explain this in a poetic and analytical way to paint a picture for you, but it’s life, only life is like this.

Also, I threw away my bag where I kept my pipe, grinder and weed. I made a commitment with a friend I didn’t mean to kiss. This new phase, these new days, I hope are promising, nurturing and healing. I’m taking steps back and forward but at least I’m moving. Moving will get me somewhere. My positivity is my savior, it guides me, it helps me face challenges and encourages me to push. Thank you.

I also plunged into an ice bath twice after being in a sauna and a hot tub. I told myself I wanted to do it, that I could do it. So, I did it. I felt alive, refreshed and mentally invincible. I strive for moments like those, where your body just feels one thing at its full intensity but so many intensities at the time. I came to the library to do homework, but I spent 2 hours typing this, but I’m feeling good, after I had self-regulated my depression in a 20-minute nap. I think unknowingly, our bodies, minds and souls gravitate to what is good for us, sometimes behind the scenes. I hope school makes me happy again and my job, but for now, I will live the moment, in this chair at the library, with my headphones in, and knowing that there are more silver linings to my dark pit of shadowy emotions and moments… and I’m okay with that, just be gentle.

Apocalypse 2019!!!!!☄️☄️☄️

The skies have fallen.

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The masks have crumbled,

we can’t even, mumble.

Oh we are troubled.

We hear the “*Boom!”

I could only assume.

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It juices our eyes,

I die. Then, she dies.

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The skies have fallen.

The masks are crumbled.

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The petroglyph/emoji era

Not all is bad…..

Emojis are a common universal language.

Socio emotional will bloom. Perhaps, our biggest need right now.

We are the creative generation and the entertaining era.

We like for us to feel good.

When life inhibits due to, our busy schedules and stress induced responsibilities.. we lose touch. We stray farther and are uneasy and impatient. We feed off of quickly available things to fix our high. To get the dose. Some do unspeakable things for the quick happiness puff, sex adventure and to reach farther into the alcohol alternated state.

Everything evolves, adapts and fluctuates… communication, types of entertainment, music, art, food… The good and evil… our happiness and our pains. The love and the hate.

Specs of… DEBATE

We get specs of the devil in serial killers and half other specs of angels in the innocency of plants, animals, all our lands..

or

Again, everything around us is pure but we are more susceptible to evil because of our individual soul, mind and spirit.

Duality either way. *

Bodies communicating

What if we communicate with the Universe and Mother Earth through each mind, body and spirit. We all have one, humans, and perhaps even, the Universe itself and what is resident in and of it, Mother Earth.

So if someone is hurt so bad they have lost and burned the connection with all three, then hence the chaos. But if we have nurturing individuals. Then positivity radiates.

Law of attraction might be its own religion.

Essentially,

Forever tug and pull of the good and evil

Its magnetic.

Emotional life solutions

Deeper emotions.

We have our physical emotions which can be fear, happiness, sadness, hope –

But, we also have our mental emotions and soulful emotions. Then if we believe other universes or forces that live within us. Imagine how they must feel? This is why self talk is very impactful and we should be weary. Why touch is healing and we should never lose it. How can a simple gaze help reshape our life… everything makes an impact.

My philosophy on negative self talk is, it can sometimes can stem from early talk; the way others would speak to us, how society speaks to us and to others.

We can reverse the toxicity. We need more strength building but also, we need to see the sliver lining to weakness.

Just as we engage is positive self talk, focus on reshaping, rebehaviorizing and redying and rebirthing in the same skin…. if we engage, we won’t be able to feel it so heavy anymore.

“ I love me “

“ I am power “

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(Add something)

NOT the way of living

We live in a continuum. It flows through us. We like to control it by predicting it.

It’s okay to not make sense of it all.